Writing is theraputic, right?
Another disclaimer: I wont go into gross detail on anything, but if you don't want to read about "uncomfortable woman stuff," stop reading.
The middle of November was amazing. My first cycle after the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) I felt different. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but I felt different. And, I was SO TIRED! Even after getting 9 hours of sleep, I would feel totally and completely drained.
So, I took a pregnancy test. I saw the faintest of a faint positive line. I took another later that afternoon, different brand. Faint positive. I waited two days, took another. Faint positive again! I excitedly tell my husband that it worked, and we're pregnant!
I call my doctor, and he has me go in for a blood test. My beta hcg (pregnancy hormone) was 68, which indicates early pregnancy. My progesterone (which is needed to maintain the pregnancy) was 29.5. I've been told that over 10 is good. The doctor wants to check my levels again in 48 hours. Beta hcg is supposed to double about every 48 hours.
So, next test...beta hcg is 62. I don't know what my progesterone was, because the doctor didn't check it. He says that this number could be a lab mistake, or I could be having a miscarriage.
Remember me talking about how these hormones are making me crazy? Now tell me that this pregnancy that I've been waiting and hoping for is most likely ending? For the next three days, I was a complete and total wreck.
Next test....beta hcg is 54, progesterone 9. Miscarriage confirmed.
I don't know if my beta started dropping first, or my progesterone. Many women with PCOS experience a progesterone dip, which results in miscarriage. I wish I had asked to have my progesterone checked with every blood test. I will from now on.
They want to follow my numbers down to negative to ensure that this pregnancy is completely out of my system before I try to get pregnant again. The frustrating thing is that my numbers are dropping SO SLOWLY. Four days later my beta was at 46. And, as long as I have some beta hcg in me, I feel tired, sore, and queasy. It's not fair to FEEL like you're pregnant when you AREN'T pregnant!!!
So, to say the least, it has been a very difficult few weeks. My rational brain knows that for normal women, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. In women with PCOS, it's closer to 40%, which is scary. I know it's not my fault, and I know there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. I also know that I've passed the first huge hurdle - I can GET pregnant! But, the irrational part of a woman's brain, the part totally controlled by hormones...that part of my brain didn't handle it so well. I cannot tell you how immeasurably sad I felt. It is now a little over a week after I found out for sure that I was having a miscarriage. I still feel so sad. And, it hits me at random times, and all I can do is cry.
Sorry to end a post with such sad news, but writing is very theraputic for me. Every day I feel a little better, and I cannot wait to start trying again. Now that I know I can GET pregnant...I just have to fight against the odds.
So, to end in a cheesy way....may the odds be ever in my favor.
