Sunday, November 17, 2013

Maybe TMI?

I've been contemplating writing this post for a long time.  I've written and re-written it multiple times.  Writing is therapeutic, right?  I think I'm ready to share.  If this is too much information for you, please stop reading.

Disclaimer - I'm going to talk about uncomfortable "woman stuff."  You've been warned.

My husband and I decided to go off birth control and try to start a family.  After three months, I had gained around 20 pounds, my hormonal acne had returned with a vengeance, and I was developing more than a few hairs on my chinny chin chin.  Not okay.

I went to my OBGYN to discuss all of this....stuff.  What do I learn?  I have Polycystic-Ovarian Syndrome, commonly referred to as PCOS.  This means that my body will most likely not ovulate on its own, which is slightly necessary if you want to get pregnant.  On top of that, it also means weight gain, horrible acne, excess male-pattern hair growth, increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure.  And, because of the lack of ovulation, an increased risk of uterine cancer.

I went home, shocked.  My doctor had given me a prescription for Clomid, to force my body to ovulate.  I told my husband.  I think he was a little shocked, too.

As I started learning about PCOS, all of my weird health issues that have plagued me since college suddenly start to make sense.  My body apparently doesn't process sugar properly.  Rather than using it for energy, my body converts it directly to fat.  So, after going off birth control (which was managing my PCOS), I gained 20 pounds.  Mystery solved.  So, I decide to try seriously limiting my simple carb and simple sugar intake.  Great news - within two months, I lost all of the weight I had gained!

More good news - the Clomid worked!  My body successfully ovulated.  Over the summer, we tried for four months.  Every month, I had a "successful" cycle, yet still no pregnancy.

Now, let me step aside for a moment.  I do realize how lucky I am.  I now know several women with PCOS, some of them dear friends of mine.  Many women try for months and even years to have a "successful cycle."  With just a low dose of Clomid, I was able to achieve that.  Being on birth control through most of my 20's may actually be my saving grace.  The birth control was regulating my hormones, and preventing further damage to my ovaries.  Thank goodness.

However, four months in, and still no pregnancy.  I'll admit, I'm not always the most patient person.  I am also mildly a control-freak.  What patience I had was wearing thin.  Why was I still not pregnant?

So my doctor suggested a hysterosalpingogram - an HSG test.  This is a dye test to check whether there may be blockages in my fallopian tubes.  The result of my test was clear tubes, which, again, is great news!  However, this test, which my doctor described as "mildly uncomfortable," was ridiculously painful.  The radiologist told me that she thinks the amount of pain I was in is indicative of the dye actually forcing my fallopian tubes open, and that I would likely have a higher chance of getting pregnant in the next few months.  I realize this is simply her hypothesis....but she's seen a lot of these tests.  However, I'm hopeful.  I also remind myself that my mother struggled to get pregnant, and ended up getting pregnant almost immediately after a dye test.  Let's hope that legacy continues!

So far on this journey, I have learned that hormones truly make me crazy.  I have experienced hot flashes, mood swings, and even mild bouts of short-term depression.  My family has had to deal with me sobbing for no reason at the drop of a hat.  My husband thinks I'm nuts.  But I have also learned that there are SO MANY WOMEN who have PCOS, and many others who struggle to get pregnant for other reasons.  I'm not weird, and I'm not alone.

So, I'm holding on to all of the positive things in my life.  I have wonderfully dear friends who don't seem to mind dealing with me when I'm crazy and somewhat obsessed, a loving and understanding husband, animals who love me no matter what, a great job, and all of the other wonderful things in my life.  My journey will continue, and I know that I have the love and support of my family and friends.  I mean....who else is super curious about the ridiculously tall genetic freak that my husband and I could produce?!?

I can hear a little voice in my head.  It's the voice of my father, singing to me as he did when I was a child...."Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry.  When you get impatient, you'll only start to worry.  Remember, remember that God is patient too, and think of all the times when others have to wait for you."