Writing is theraputic, right?
Another disclaimer: I wont go into gross detail on anything, but if you don't want to read about "uncomfortable woman stuff," stop reading.
The middle of November was amazing. My first cycle after the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) I felt different. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but I felt different. And, I was SO TIRED! Even after getting 9 hours of sleep, I would feel totally and completely drained.
So, I took a pregnancy test. I saw the faintest of a faint positive line. I took another later that afternoon, different brand. Faint positive. I waited two days, took another. Faint positive again! I excitedly tell my husband that it worked, and we're pregnant!
I call my doctor, and he has me go in for a blood test. My beta hcg (pregnancy hormone) was 68, which indicates early pregnancy. My progesterone (which is needed to maintain the pregnancy) was 29.5. I've been told that over 10 is good. The doctor wants to check my levels again in 48 hours. Beta hcg is supposed to double about every 48 hours.
So, next test...beta hcg is 62. I don't know what my progesterone was, because the doctor didn't check it. He says that this number could be a lab mistake, or I could be having a miscarriage.
Remember me talking about how these hormones are making me crazy? Now tell me that this pregnancy that I've been waiting and hoping for is most likely ending? For the next three days, I was a complete and total wreck.
Next test....beta hcg is 54, progesterone 9. Miscarriage confirmed.
I don't know if my beta started dropping first, or my progesterone. Many women with PCOS experience a progesterone dip, which results in miscarriage. I wish I had asked to have my progesterone checked with every blood test. I will from now on.
They want to follow my numbers down to negative to ensure that this pregnancy is completely out of my system before I try to get pregnant again. The frustrating thing is that my numbers are dropping SO SLOWLY. Four days later my beta was at 46. And, as long as I have some beta hcg in me, I feel tired, sore, and queasy. It's not fair to FEEL like you're pregnant when you AREN'T pregnant!!!
So, to say the least, it has been a very difficult few weeks. My rational brain knows that for normal women, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. In women with PCOS, it's closer to 40%, which is scary. I know it's not my fault, and I know there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. I also know that I've passed the first huge hurdle - I can GET pregnant! But, the irrational part of a woman's brain, the part totally controlled by hormones...that part of my brain didn't handle it so well. I cannot tell you how immeasurably sad I felt. It is now a little over a week after I found out for sure that I was having a miscarriage. I still feel so sad. And, it hits me at random times, and all I can do is cry.
Sorry to end a post with such sad news, but writing is very theraputic for me. Every day I feel a little better, and I cannot wait to start trying again. Now that I know I can GET pregnant...I just have to fight against the odds.
So, to end in a cheesy way....may the odds be ever in my favor.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Maybe TMI?
I've been contemplating writing this post for a long time. I've written and re-written it multiple times. Writing is therapeutic, right? I think I'm ready to share. If this is too much information for you, please stop reading.
Disclaimer - I'm going to talk about uncomfortable "woman stuff." You've been warned.
My husband and I decided to go off birth control and try to start a family. After three months, I had gained around 20 pounds, my hormonal acne had returned with a vengeance, and I was developing more than a few hairs on my chinny chin chin. Not okay.
I went to my OBGYN to discuss all of this....stuff. What do I learn? I have Polycystic-Ovarian Syndrome, commonly referred to as PCOS. This means that my body will most likely not ovulate on its own, which is slightly necessary if you want to get pregnant. On top of that, it also means weight gain, horrible acne, excess male-pattern hair growth, increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. And, because of the lack of ovulation, an increased risk of uterine cancer.
I went home, shocked. My doctor had given me a prescription for Clomid, to force my body to ovulate. I told my husband. I think he was a little shocked, too.
As I started learning about PCOS, all of my weird health issues that have plagued me since college suddenly start to make sense. My body apparently doesn't process sugar properly. Rather than using it for energy, my body converts it directly to fat. So, after going off birth control (which was managing my PCOS), I gained 20 pounds. Mystery solved. So, I decide to try seriously limiting my simple carb and simple sugar intake. Great news - within two months, I lost all of the weight I had gained!
More good news - the Clomid worked! My body successfully ovulated. Over the summer, we tried for four months. Every month, I had a "successful" cycle, yet still no pregnancy.
Now, let me step aside for a moment. I do realize how lucky I am. I now know several women with PCOS, some of them dear friends of mine. Many women try for months and even years to have a "successful cycle." With just a low dose of Clomid, I was able to achieve that. Being on birth control through most of my 20's may actually be my saving grace. The birth control was regulating my hormones, and preventing further damage to my ovaries. Thank goodness.
However, four months in, and still no pregnancy. I'll admit, I'm not always the most patient person. I am also mildly a control-freak. What patience I had was wearing thin. Why was I still not pregnant?
So my doctor suggested a hysterosalpingogram - an HSG test. This is a dye test to check whether there may be blockages in my fallopian tubes. The result of my test was clear tubes, which, again, is great news! However, this test, which my doctor described as "mildly uncomfortable," was ridiculously painful. The radiologist told me that she thinks the amount of pain I was in is indicative of the dye actually forcing my fallopian tubes open, and that I would likely have a higher chance of getting pregnant in the next few months. I realize this is simply her hypothesis....but she's seen a lot of these tests. However, I'm hopeful. I also remind myself that my mother struggled to get pregnant, and ended up getting pregnant almost immediately after a dye test. Let's hope that legacy continues!
So far on this journey, I have learned that hormones truly make me crazy. I have experienced hot flashes, mood swings, and even mild bouts of short-term depression. My family has had to deal with me sobbing for no reason at the drop of a hat. My husband thinks I'm nuts. But I have also learned that there are SO MANY WOMEN who have PCOS, and many others who struggle to get pregnant for other reasons. I'm not weird, and I'm not alone.
So, I'm holding on to all of the positive things in my life. I have wonderfully dear friends who don't seem to mind dealing with me when I'm crazy and somewhat obsessed, a loving and understanding husband, animals who love me no matter what, a great job, and all of the other wonderful things in my life. My journey will continue, and I know that I have the love and support of my family and friends. I mean....who else is super curious about the ridiculously tall genetic freak that my husband and I could produce?!?
I can hear a little voice in my head. It's the voice of my father, singing to me as he did when I was a child...."Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, you'll only start to worry. Remember, remember that God is patient too, and think of all the times when others have to wait for you."
Disclaimer - I'm going to talk about uncomfortable "woman stuff." You've been warned.
My husband and I decided to go off birth control and try to start a family. After three months, I had gained around 20 pounds, my hormonal acne had returned with a vengeance, and I was developing more than a few hairs on my chinny chin chin. Not okay.
I went to my OBGYN to discuss all of this....stuff. What do I learn? I have Polycystic-Ovarian Syndrome, commonly referred to as PCOS. This means that my body will most likely not ovulate on its own, which is slightly necessary if you want to get pregnant. On top of that, it also means weight gain, horrible acne, excess male-pattern hair growth, increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. And, because of the lack of ovulation, an increased risk of uterine cancer.
I went home, shocked. My doctor had given me a prescription for Clomid, to force my body to ovulate. I told my husband. I think he was a little shocked, too.
As I started learning about PCOS, all of my weird health issues that have plagued me since college suddenly start to make sense. My body apparently doesn't process sugar properly. Rather than using it for energy, my body converts it directly to fat. So, after going off birth control (which was managing my PCOS), I gained 20 pounds. Mystery solved. So, I decide to try seriously limiting my simple carb and simple sugar intake. Great news - within two months, I lost all of the weight I had gained!
More good news - the Clomid worked! My body successfully ovulated. Over the summer, we tried for four months. Every month, I had a "successful" cycle, yet still no pregnancy.
Now, let me step aside for a moment. I do realize how lucky I am. I now know several women with PCOS, some of them dear friends of mine. Many women try for months and even years to have a "successful cycle." With just a low dose of Clomid, I was able to achieve that. Being on birth control through most of my 20's may actually be my saving grace. The birth control was regulating my hormones, and preventing further damage to my ovaries. Thank goodness.
However, four months in, and still no pregnancy. I'll admit, I'm not always the most patient person. I am also mildly a control-freak. What patience I had was wearing thin. Why was I still not pregnant?
So my doctor suggested a hysterosalpingogram - an HSG test. This is a dye test to check whether there may be blockages in my fallopian tubes. The result of my test was clear tubes, which, again, is great news! However, this test, which my doctor described as "mildly uncomfortable," was ridiculously painful. The radiologist told me that she thinks the amount of pain I was in is indicative of the dye actually forcing my fallopian tubes open, and that I would likely have a higher chance of getting pregnant in the next few months. I realize this is simply her hypothesis....but she's seen a lot of these tests. However, I'm hopeful. I also remind myself that my mother struggled to get pregnant, and ended up getting pregnant almost immediately after a dye test. Let's hope that legacy continues!
So far on this journey, I have learned that hormones truly make me crazy. I have experienced hot flashes, mood swings, and even mild bouts of short-term depression. My family has had to deal with me sobbing for no reason at the drop of a hat. My husband thinks I'm nuts. But I have also learned that there are SO MANY WOMEN who have PCOS, and many others who struggle to get pregnant for other reasons. I'm not weird, and I'm not alone.
So, I'm holding on to all of the positive things in my life. I have wonderfully dear friends who don't seem to mind dealing with me when I'm crazy and somewhat obsessed, a loving and understanding husband, animals who love me no matter what, a great job, and all of the other wonderful things in my life. My journey will continue, and I know that I have the love and support of my family and friends. I mean....who else is super curious about the ridiculously tall genetic freak that my husband and I could produce?!?
I can hear a little voice in my head. It's the voice of my father, singing to me as he did when I was a child...."Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, you'll only start to worry. Remember, remember that God is patient too, and think of all the times when others have to wait for you."
Monday, June 24, 2013
June 23: Has it already been a year?
On one hand, I can't believe it has already been one year since our wedding. On the other hand, our wedding seems like it was AGES ago. Happy Anniversary to US - to my best friend and partner. Our adventures together continue, from our Caribbean cruise honeymoon to a broken ankle, and from dreams of building a house to updating our current residence. Life as a Gilmore continues to be an interesting ride.
We started our anniversary with breakfast at a Creperie downtown. DELICIOUS! In the afternoon, we celebrated in the most appropriate way we know - at a Royals game! We endured 5 horrible innings. We weren't batting well, the pitching was pretty bad, and it was HOT and HUMID. So, we decided to leave. As we reached the gate, we heard the first home run. As we reached our car, we heard the second. Our response? "WE DID THIS!" If we would have stayed, they obviously would have continued to stink! So, we listened to the rest of the game on the radio as we drove toward Legends. As we sat down to dinner at Granite City, we saw the win on TV. The Royals deserve a big THANK YOU for the excellent anniversary present!
... ... ... ... ...
Happy Year One to us. Here's to many, many more. The adventure continues!
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